Finding my way through grief. People may define the different stages of grief in a variety of ways but most of them go something like the following list.
Stages of Grief
Shock
Denial
Pain/Guilt
Depression
Acceptance/Hope
I’m not sure what order these things go in but they are there when you are dealing with the loss of a loved one, health, job, lifestyle, marriage, or the loss of what could have been. And as we go through the ups and downs which are a part of life we will surely experience all of these at some point and some more than once.
You may have an image of what grief looks like but it will take you by surprise and look different.
Losing My Dad
When I lost my dad unexpectedly after heart surgery the tears did not come for a while. I had to accept this. Some people can cry and let it all out and that’s ok. I couldn’t even verbalize my grief. Carrying on the motions of my day, on the outside looking normal yet in shock on the inside. Doing my shopping I would see something that reminded me of my dad and pain would come crashing over me so unexpectedly. I couldn’t have anticipated it. It would knock me down and engulf me as unexpected waves do at the beach. I catch my breath and move on.
Grieving the relationship and stories I had lost, time and again and the grandfather my children and grandchildren would live without. I think some griefs are life long and will continue to hit you when you least expect it. Maybe every time it will not immobilize you as it once did but you will still feel the familiar loss as it crashes down around you. There is a hole.
Another Loss
Time moves. What seems a short time later I lost my father-in-law who had been such a friend and encouragement to me for over 30 years. What an emptiness he left in my world. Again I couldn’t speak of my loss it was a huge rock sitting on my chest.
One day I will have more family and friends on the other side than here in this world and I will long, even more, to go to my heavenly home.
Inclusion Body Myositis
Finding my way through grief. Sometimes we experience a different kind of grief. Five years ago when my husband was diagnosed with Inclusion Body Myositis my world was shaken. I felt some guilt for my self-pity, after all, he was the one with the life-altering disease, not me. His world was shaken the most! I went through a terrible grieving process for him and me. I stayed calm for the most part on the outside but I was still stunned.
We were wrapped in prayers and support from our family and people all over the country and I will be forever grateful for the outpouring of love we were blessed and sustained with. Our Christian family is amazing.
When this happened I had to leave my wonderful life at home and go to work. Most of my children were grown. The three left at home were all capable of taking care of the daily things needed and they had their dad with them while I worked. Yet I grieved this loss.
Empty Nest Worries
Finding my way through grief. Some losses are expected. When my children started leaving home I felt a little sadness and some grief I may not have realized at the time. I grieved the daily time I had with them. As each one left the younger ones would grieve too. The days turned into years so fast. How could it be time already?
However, although I grieved I also felt some excitement about what my children were doing and what an impact they would make on the world. I trusted they would find their way and that they would make this world a better place and I believe they are on their way to doing that.
Mistakes
I thought some of my children left a little premature but you know what? They made it! They made their own decisions and survived their consequences. Yes, they made some bad choices and learned from them as we all should. I am sure we all have some embarrassing moments we would rather forget. The important thing is to keep going. Keep learning from your mistakes. Don’t let your mistakes define you nor theirs. Don’t let your mistakes immobilize you. Don’t get stuck. Every human being makes mistakes and has to recover from them. So we continue to find our way through life’s ups and downs.
What can we learn from our mistakes?
Most of the time our mistakes can give us a lot of insight into the world and ourselves and teach us things we could not have learned any other way. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut and think we can’t recover from our mistakes and this becomes a cycle of falling and laying there a while and then climbing out. More of life’s ups and downs.
What can we learn? We have to learn that we can’t undo our mistakes. If we have done wrong we pray and ask God to help lift us up and help us to do better next time. By evaluating we can learn from it and how to approach it better next time. Then we get up and do the next right thing. It took me a long time before I realized that I could learn from other people’s experiences and that I didn’t have to make every mistake myself.
James
Am I ready for an empty nest? I don’t want to let the last little one fly away. With James #10 I was more worried about his leaving because I wasn’t sure if I had prepared him enough. I now know that was silly and he has done great. He may not know everything he needs to know to follow his path but who does? He is courageous and smart enough to find the answers and resources he needs. And he has God! He approaches everything with an “all in” attitude. I wish I had a smidgen of his discipline when I was his age and truthfully maybe now too.
I am so excited his hard work is paying off. He is playing football and has a 4.0 in his first two semesters of college. I’m excited that he will have an article published this week about something he is passionate about. Finance! He’s great with money, fitness, and whatever he puts his mind to. He is flying!
Esther
Esther is all over the place with her interests. Whatever she settles on I know she will bring a lot of heart and compassion to the world. She’s long had a fascination with anatomy, nutrition, and health, a lover of nature. In the last couple of years, she has been interested in nursing, midwifery, doula, real estate investing, organic medicinal gardening, etc. I’m not sure if she will settle on any of those but she will do well regardless. Esther is a beautiful Christian young lady with a strong faith which is most important.
Sometimes it feels so essential to make a decision but the reality is, it’s ok to carry on and wait and see what comes your way. Meanwhile whatever your hand finds to do do it with all your might. I wrote more about that in Choosing Your Path or Letting Your Path Choose You.
So life has its seasons of grief, rejoicing, pain, triumph, and defeat. But I am finding my way through grief and life’s ups and downs. I continue, pressing forward until the day Jesus comes or I go to meet him.
